Monday, February 4, 2013

my identity crisis

somehow i scored a two hour nap yesterday. but because of it, i couldn't sleep when it was time to go to bed which resulted in me going through possibly every single photo on my facebook. (super productive right?) my sides were aching i was laughing so hard but then a little thought crept across my mind.. "i miss myself." it caught me off guard and tears started to pool up in my eyes. somehow between moving away from all my friends and family, having a baby, and starting our new life here, i kinda lost myself along the way. i am no longer constantly surrounded by friends and family, i'm not known for pulling obnoxious faces in front of the camera, i don't even own black slip on vans, i don't make very many people laugh, i don't do handstands on things, i am my natural hair color, i don't drive a fast car, and i don't have the confidence to be me without caring what people think.

as i was in the middle of my pity party, matt held me close and i listened to our little baby breath peacefully in her crib. don't get me wrong, i really do love our little life and love being a momma and honestly wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. my heart is happy and i know that i am blessed and loved. i have more responsibility now and it's all part of growing up, but i feel like there are little essential pieces of me that can still be included in the new momma version of me. i can give up the dance parties and the recklessness in trade for rocking my baby to sleep and doing everything in my power to give her a happy and safe place to live without any hesitation. but i feel like the little things that set me apart from everyone else are important to my self worth. they probably seem silly or unimportant to most people, but that's fine. if it's putting some bleach in my hair or making someone laugh every day, i don't really know yet, but i do know that i want my little girl to grow up confident and strong in who she is and i can't teach her those things unless i am them too.
so who the heck am i?
i am head over heels crazy in love with being a mom and a wife.
i pull obnoxious faces in front of cameras because it makes people laugh.
i wear black slip on vans even though they aren't as cool as toms.
i know i am a daughter of god and he loves me.
and i am a creator and lover of documenting this beautiful life
and feel like everyone has a story worth telling.


Lindsey Marlor said...

love those family pics!! so sweet!

Alisha Gregson said...

Tara this is so sweet! Love this! you are absolutely beautiful!

Kelly said...

You're awesome Tara! You're a beautiful, talented woman and mother! I admire you!

Beverly Houpt said...

Don't make very many people laugh? You make me laugh! You're hilarious! p.s. Your hair looks fine and dandy.

Cassi Penrod said...

I know exactly what you mean... I went through this same thing a couple years back. I always thought of myself as someone who dances, plays the piano, and speaks Spanish. Well, I slowly forgot my piano and my Spanish. And then bed rest and a C-section officially killed my dance skills. So I was feeling low and wondering who I was.
Then I realized that I'd have to do the things I wanted to be. So I started practicing my piano and Spanish again. And with a few tears, I decided to give up dancing (all but the kind I do in my kitchen :) since it didn't really fit with my mom-life anymore. But I quickly replaced it with my new love of cooking and I feel like I may have finally found myself again. :)
You'll get there. Your new town will quickly discover how amazing and funny you are. Until then, just be your wonderful self and remember how much everyone loves and misses you!
***sorry for the novel***

lori said...

welcome to the wonders of womanhood! seriously! i think we all go through a major identity crisis about every 10 years. think about it. where is your life at 20, at 30, at 40, at 50, at 60 etc. think about what a woman does in each of those ages in her life and you will see what i mean. for're not a little girl anymore, you're an adult-who am i? you're not single anymore, you're married-who am i? you're not just a wife anymore, you're a mother-who am i? you are not just a mother to one, maybe to 2, 6, 10???-who am i? your babies grow up and independent of you- who am i? your babies become adults and leave home-who am i? you become a grandparent-who am i? you become an empty nester- who am i? you become a great grandparent- who am i? you lose a spouse-who am i? and on and on and on. never ending...constantly redefining who you are depending on your circumstance and what life requires of you. with that being said...through all the changes we go through in this life, through all the up and downs and twists and turns, we are still a child of god. the spirit that we were born with is the same spirit that we die with. somethings are always in a constant state of changing and something are never changing. enjoy the journey because the journey is the destination. that's why we are here. love you! xoxo p.s. i think you're fabulous!

erin m judd said...

thank you for posting about what I was too afraid to post about. cause let me tell you, you're not the only one. I'm still figuring the same thing out.. it might take a while.
you're awesome, Tara!

AlyciaMealy said...

I love the soft look that these have! What do you use to edit your photos?? They are so lovely!


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