somehow i scored a two hour nap yesterday. but because of it, i couldn't sleep when it was time to go to bed which resulted in me going through possibly every single photo on my facebook. (super productive right?) my sides were aching i was laughing so hard but then a little thought crept across my mind.. "i miss myself." it caught me off guard and tears started to pool up in my eyes. somehow between moving away from all my friends and family, having a baby, and starting our new life here, i kinda lost myself along the way. i am no longer constantly surrounded by friends and family, i'm not known for pulling obnoxious faces in front of the camera, i don't even own black slip on vans, i don't make very many people laugh, i don't do handstands on things, i am my natural hair color, i don't drive a fast car, and i don't have the confidence to be me without caring what people think.
as i was in the middle of my pity party, matt held me close and i listened to our little baby breath peacefully in her crib. don't get me wrong, i really do love our little life and love being a momma and honestly wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. my heart is happy and i know that i am blessed and loved. i have more responsibility now and it's all part of growing up, but i feel like there are little essential pieces of me that can still be included in the new momma version of me. i can give up the dance parties and the recklessness in trade for rocking my baby to sleep and doing everything in my power to give her a happy and safe place to live without any hesitation. but i feel like the little things that set me apart from everyone else are important to my self worth. they probably seem silly or unimportant to most people, but that's fine. if it's putting some bleach in my hair or making someone laugh every day, i don't really know yet, but i do know that i want my little girl to grow up confident and strong in who she is and i can't teach her those things unless i am them too.
so who the heck am i?
i am head over heels crazy in love with being a mom and a wife.
i pull obnoxious faces in front of cameras because it makes people laugh.
i wear black slip on vans even though they aren't as cool as toms.
i know i am a daughter of god and he loves me.
and i am a creator and lover of documenting this beautiful life